DOUGLAS & I

Ok, so I am a big Douglas Adams fan. This post is dedicated to him for he has, single-handedly (along with Lloyd), moulded my brain into shapes I didn't even know existed.

Actually, I have quite a history when it comes to moulding and shapes. It is said (by my grandmother) that I was born with a funny shaped head. And when I was only a few months old, she, single-handedly, moulded my head into a shape that...well...the average person could relate to without cringing. When I grew up a little I moulded plasticine into snakes, jalebis (for the benefit of some: a coiled Indian sweet), eggs and complex animals like cats. Further still, I remember growing mould on a piece of bread for a science experiment in school. I always took my homework seriously.

Anyway, so I'll come back to Adams and how he did what he did. Although I relished every aspect of The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and the Dirk Gently series, it was this book called The Meaning of Liff that changed my life. Interestingly, it stated on the cover (in a modest fashion) that it so would. Also, it was born in the same year as me.

The meaning of Liff, written by Douglas Adams and John Lloyd, is quite simply a "dictionary of things that there aren't any words for yet". The path-breaking aspect is the way in which it defines events that happen on the most average of days, complex social situations which occur every alternate day and objects you come across on a day-to-day basis...all through a single, easy-to-use word or phrase. For example:

DES MOINES (pl.n.)
The two little lines which come down from your nose.
or
FRING (n.)
The noise made by light bulb which has just shone its last.
or
OSHKOSH (n., vb.)
The noise made by someone who has just been grossly flattered and is trying to make light of it.
or
PAPPLE (vb.)
To do what babies do to soup with their spoons.
or
BODMIN
The irrational and inevitable discrepancy between the amount pooled and the amount needed when a large group of people try to pay a bill together after a meal.
or
SHOEBURYNESS (abs.n.)
The vague uncomfortable feeling you get when sitting on a seat which is still warm from somebody else's bottom.

I wonder why this wasn't taught to me in school. These words are altogether more useful in everyday conversation, than say, the word 'Pneumonia' (and to think I killed myself over it). Read more from this dictionary here or better still buy the book. It will change your life.

So long Douglas, and thanks for all the fish...

How Now Brown Cow? How?

It happens to me so many times. Often when I'm sitting doing nothing and my mind's drawing a blank (only the supremely creative can do this, mind you. It's truly the toughest to draw a non-drawing, and it's a gift to draw it well), that's when these evil words pop into the frame. The funny part is, in almost all cases there is never a cow...or mention of one...or anything remotely related (not even everyday milk products). The not-so-funny part is, the four words start doing a jig in my head...complete with sound...and then I'm doomed. It's like the devil's in my brain. And I can't get it out.

Another funny thing is the way I must look at this point to a passer-by. Talking intently to my imaginary cow (not really limiting my curiosity about "how?" and "why now?" to the confines of my head). The not-so-funny part here is the point at which their chuckling turns to an expression of horror...and they throw their vegetables...and run away in a zig-zag pattern.

On second thought, it is funny.

Anyway, so that happened just now. Not the freaky vegetable people. The devil bit. And I decided to give the dark confines of my mind a rest and google it instead. There I learned that "How now brown cow" is a phrase used in elocution teaching to demonstrate rounded vowel sounds, especially to small children.
That just killed it for me.
THAT was the answer to my phenomenal question. I would've preferred "42" if an unglamorous answer is what I was looking for. But then thats the answer to The Ultimate Question Of Life, the Universe and Everything. So I kept looking...and fortunately a few hits down came across Paul Davidson's tryst with his imaginary cow

Thankfully, the devil lives on. A bit more twisted than before.
moo-ahaha...

Fun on the Run

Now here's something from one of my web surfing moments-of-delight:
"If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that."—Unknown source

The first thing I got reminded of was one of those life-skills/basic survival tactics that is passed on by word of mouth (sadly, I cannot recollect whose mouth it was, but I remember having heard it on several occasions)."If you’re being chased by a mad elephant, run in a zig-zag pattern."—Another unknown source

Loopy as it seems, the logic here (apparently) is very sound. An elephant, in spite of its magnitude can run you out of town, especially if it's mad...or motivated...or both, sometimes at a speed of 50mph! The only thing that can slow it down considerably, is it's own inertia. Also beneficial is the fact that elephants, who have an incredible memory, are usually not too hot with strategic games like chess...or Scotland Yard for that matter. So, you could run endlessly in the most predictable zig-zag formation and it will NOT intercept you through the shortest route. It will follow the exact path you take and attempt to turn the very same corners you do, even in an open field.

So the next time you are faced with such a crisis:
*Don't panic for too long and freeze in horror (That's the end my friend)
*Don't freak out, scream your head off and run straight (unless you can beat the speed of 50mph)
*Be calm and collected, and run in a zig-zag pattern.
*Occasionally, wave into camera.

Disclaimer: Don't try this at home and then blame me for it. I'm just giving you a head's up and i cannot possibly vouch for all the elephants in the world.

MEET THE PARENTHesiS

A parenthesis is an explanatory or qualifying word, clause, or sentence inserted into a passage with which it does not necessarily have any grammatical connection. It is usually marked off by brackets, dashes, or commas.
e.g: Adam, a professional rain dancer, did not believe in the President.

Metaphorically speaking, 'parenthetics' would combine parenthesis with a lot of general jumping around. It therefore stands for creative ramblings, random meanderings, descriptions remotely connected but tangential to the topic at hand. It would also denote the way I like to write (a lot of nothing in brackets). If you are one for concise don't-waste-my-time 5 point strategies, you have probably already exhausted your patience.