} Parenthetics {

Oh-gno!

2007-10-07T01:39:00.001-07:00

gnot again you think?

It's been a long break since my last post. Partly because my parents, in the interim, gifted me lots of new furniture that (now) fits perfectly in my house. But mostly because nothing really inspired me enough to write....until today.

I was going through some old e-mails and discovered one from Aditi Halbe in response to my earlier post about gnus. (You can also see her picture there...She's the pretty girl holding the papaya). As a birthday present from far far away she sent me The Gnu Song...one of the nicest gifts I've received :)

Given the response gnu got last time, I thought another post in its honour would be fitting, although I am aware of how sequels are born to fail. But it can't be helped. Look at it. It is warm and fuzzy...and with an ox-head, horse-body, goat-beard all rolled into one animal, it has the gift of looking ridiculously endearing. Ecologically, it's role is to eat grass, dance around to help grow more grass, mate once a year after the rains and hang around till eventually a big cat gets hungry. Cherry on top....it's warning call, apparently, resembles a Harley Davidson and...i'm told...at some point in history it's tail made a good fly swatter. I'm quite sure a TV series called 'My little gnuny' would have had higher TRPs than those silly pink ponies.

Here's to The Gnu.

Or hear the mp3 version here

T-shirtisms

2007-05-08T13:06:00.000-07:00

I can proclaim upfront:
"I am not one for t-shirts with messages".

My t-shirt does not stand for me and I do not endorse greater ideals through my t-shirt. Mostly because I haven't yet come across a t-shirt message that quite says it right.

Although, I do own and frequently don a bright pink t-shirt that says "take it easy". It'll take a lot of monetary incentive to have my t-shirt say 'naughty girl' or 'love machine' or some such. Yes, I am a prude. A convenient one. The 'take it easy' is ignored only because it wins the world's-most-comfortable-t-shirt-in-a-nice-colour award.

Here are a few t-shirtisms that I wouldn't mind changing my ideals for, in order of importance:

1. "I only eat idlis"
Because currently it stands 'largely true'. Plus idli is an important food group for any self-respecting South-Indian.

2. "If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song" –- Jack Handey
Because it's a wonderfully articulated thought which I'll never be able to memorise, making the t-shirt a good point of reference.

3. "The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax" --Albert Einstein
Because it has very genuine emotions and projects that my views are similar to that of Einstein.

4. "If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
Because it's so goddamn irritating that anyone would think this way.

5."Denial ain't just a river in Egypt" -– Mark Twain
Because I don't believe he could have actually said that.

PS:1--Let's Help Hamlet Help Himself

2007-01-12T12:06:00.000-08:00

Ok. So the votes are in. What better way to spend new years eve than to count votes on a pressing issue such as this:
Existentially speaking, which one is more important?
1) To Be? 2) Not to Be? or 3) Maybe?

You guys (and Me – TIME magazine's person of the year, thank you very much) answered a question that haunted many, for too long a time to even mention...I can't help myself...406 years to be exact. Hamlet questioned himself in 1601 when Queen Elizabeth had been on the throne for 43 years. If you include Her Majesty as well (it just wouldn't be right not to) that makes a lot many years. To top that, with 4,042 lines and 29,551 words, Hamlet is the longest Shakespearean play.

The answer of course, by a wide margin, is MAYBE.

And to think all this time Hamlet was just asking the wrong question...ironic as it may seem...'tis truly A Tragedy...

If a stone can roll, a stone can poll!

2006-12-15T14:27:00.000-08:00

Inspired by Calvin's urge to 'mess with data' and fueled by my undying thirst for systematic documentation (largely of meaningful but un-describeable emotion-like things)....allow me to introduce...the POLLING STONE.

See fancy pink haired box in side-bar? This will, over time, host a series of soul-searching questions. Votes towards each question, shall be counted automatically, analysed manually and gift-wrapped digitally, only to be re-posted (with notable highlights) for your perusal. New polls will replace old ones on an irregular basis, depending on my work-eat-sleep pattern. Much like a good South-Indian 'meals', voting is UNLIMITED, thereby giving the Election Commission a run for it's money. Needless to say, I sincerely hope the results will shatter myths, long-held beliefs and what's left of my 'brains'...

The season-opening poll is based on the theme: 'Let's Help Hamlet Help Himself'. Voting is on...so please help Hamlet...help himself...

I'm gnu to this...

2006-10-15T14:37:00.000-07:00

The reason behind this post: I woke up one morning and found myself saying "gnu" repeatedly, first with the 'g' and then without. This I did for a long time. I've known myself long enough to not question why...so I haven't. Maybe it's because my earlier curiosity with 'how now brown cow' was over-satiated. Who knows.

I couldn't decide whether I liked the word or not. This silent consonant business has always been a little tricky. Things like 'should', 'could' and 'would' have been happily internalised. As have 'pneumonia', 'knee', 'knit', 'knot', 'knight', 'knife', 'knob', 'know', 'knock' and even 'knickers'. But not 'gnu'. Led me to the conclusion that I had a problem with silent G's (considering silent L's, K's and P's were all fine). So I put it to a test. Sure enough, there was 'gnat', 'gnome', 'gnaw', 'gnarl' and 'gnash' (can't seem to think of more) and all categorised as problematic. A winning theory. Come to think of it, if they were all spelt with a silent K, none of this would be happening. I would've woken up one morning and brushed my teeth and everyone would have gone on to lead happy lives.

Anyway, the bug was in place. I needed to know someone else's view on the topic. Serendipitously, a close friend of mine – Aditi Halbe (photo supplied herewith for your reference) happened to be online. As a brief introduction, I can tell you she has immense affection for most things–from papayas to puppies, and a sizable opinion on why she does, if prodded. Grabbing the opportunity, I asked her what her views were on gnus, gnats and gnomes. She did not respond for three days. A few days later I dropped her a threatening line stating this was serious and got a prompt reply. Needless to say she is one of the few who cares for my mental health.

This is what she had to say:
"I was a little flummoxed.... gnats, gnomes, these words make sense in my brain. I can pronounce them, speak them and see them. The Gnus stumped me. There was a vague recollection of thinking and saying it, but was struggling with the seeing part. Wikipedia to the rescue. And it tells me of gnus (pronounced with the g) in the guise of some operating system (computer jargon). Very confused. This word had no business being in my brain, forget jostling it. "Gnus is a message reader running under GNU Emacs and XEmacs." Then I saw the bit that basically said for gnus animal click here! Phew! I'm glad I am not carrying any operating system information in my head. Now to digest it. I like the idea. But you might want to consider the operating system instead of the wildebeest. Personally I prefer the latter. They are warmer and fuzzier and wear an expression. And they snort."

I decided. I liked the word.

I feel funny....

2006-10-12T16:06:00.000-07:00

I recently stumbled upon something called 'The 3 Variable Funny Test'. Originally I was drawn to this site through a complex, academic-looking diagram which explains what kind of funny you are...in 3D space. Even I wanted to see my 'place in Humour 3-Space'...I am uncontrollably drawn to things like this, so I took the test. It is probably the most introspective I have been this whole year. Some of the questions just stumped me. Some others were so surreal that I stared at the screen for really long thinking "who am I?". I must admit, the test was eye-opening and altogether, very entertaining. 23 gruelling questions down (ok i am exaggerating, only the ones with pictures are gruelling) I am told that I am The Prankster. 42% dark, 38% spontaneous, 31% vulgar. Which, in turn, would characterise my humour style as being "CLEAN | COMPLEX | LIGHT".
Much like surgical cotton.

My detailed diagnosis states: "Your humor has an intellectual, even conceptual slant to it. You're not pretentious, but you're not into what some would call 'low humor' either. You'll laugh at a good dirty joke, but you definitely prefer something clever to something moist. (So true. And so well put...I love it) You probably like well-thought-out pranks and/or spoofs and it's highly likely you've tried one of these things yourself. In a lot of ways, yours is the most entertaining type of humor because it's smart without being mean-spirited."

Ok. All true. Dark and spontaneous is all good...but I am 31% Vulgar?? The precision is mind-boggling. Oh...and apparently I am like Conan O' Brian and Ashton Kutcher. If I ever meet them, I'll tell them. Till then what I'll do with this information, I don't know.

I love the way most of these test reports indulge in flattery...I've rarely come across one which tells me I'm a Jackass. But in any case...it's true...to the T. Mine is the most entertaining type of humour. I'm the best. Yay. You can try your shot at it here. That's the reason anyone takes tests like these in any case. To hear from someone else exactly how good they are. But then this site hosts other tests such as "The Do YOU Remember The 90's Test". Incidentally...isn't everyone trying really hard to forget the 90's?...that is, ofcourse, after they manage to forget the 80's! Plus there is something called the "The Genghis Khan Genetic Fitness Masterpiece". My bus stopped at the 3 variable funny test, so your guess is as good as mine.

GETCHYO GEEK ON!

2006-10-08T13:18:00.000-07:00

A NEW ISM I've recently been introduced to is 'nerdcore hip hop'. This genre, conceptually, sounds very exciting. It basically glorifies the geek, like never before. We've all been through (in order of appearance) the dot com boom, Sandra Bullock in The Net, the dot com bust, the Y2K theme parties with a man in a Jar Jar Binks costume handing-out presents, 'the red-pill or blue-pill' decision-making model from The Matrix, home-made servers, social networking for dummies, beauty pageants for animes...the list is endless and you get my point. But, apparently, nerdcore hip hop is currently WHERE ITS @ ...if you aint' there you aint' square... and so forth.

Somewhere, on a random side-bar a highlighted box asked me
DID YOU KNOW:Nerdcore Ninjas are faster than regular Ninjas?
No. This I did not know. Does that make me a geek? Or, on second thought, a non-geek? I felt very out of the loop...and suddenly realised that the tables had turned. I was now officially a non-geek...which made me what a geek was before the dot com boom...a bit like Ross with his keyboard...a geek! (you get the complexity here right? My brain is melting and I cannot explain this situation with greater clarity)

So I shall steer the discourse away from my social standing and back to the music. I did a bit of research. Nerdcore hip hop, or geeksta rap, is a subgenre of hip hop music, performed by geeks or nerds. Another criteria is that the content–subject matter, theme, lyrics, general image– needs to be nerdy. Strongly by the nerds, strongly for the nerds. Now those of you who are shocked by my description, don't be. This is not me being politically incorrect (I rarely am anyway)...this is how the community would like to hail itself. Wikipedia states clearly: The word "nerdcore" is also occasionally used as an adjective to describe a "hardcore nerd" (that is, someone who publicly takes pride in being nerdy) or anything which is nerdy to an extreme level. It is considered quite complimentary within the community. Hence, to qualify, nerdy lyrics are not enough. The artists themselves need to be inner-nerds. It's complicated...a bit like inner-beauty.

Surprisingly, this movement dates back to 1998.
While I've been focussing on growing up, others have been busy starting sub-cultural revolutions.

Below are sample lyrics that nerdcore songs would feature. These will help form a clearer picture of what a geeksta would typically rap about. It was the lyrics that got me interested in the first place (along with a glitzy article in WIRED, my monthly one kilo of cool). Songs feature lyrics like:
"Look, I ain't Thomas Dolby; science doesn't blind me. You think you're smart? Form a line behind me."
or
"My backpack's got jets! I'm Boba the Fett! I bounty hunt for Jabba the Hutt to finance my 'Vette."
or
"My flow is so intense that I'll overflow your buffer, corrupt your stack pointer, makin' all your data suffer."
or
"I'm a player, which is not to say I get a lot of chicks / But I've played through Final Fantasy 1, 3, 4, 5 and 6."

By this time I could feel the geek within me stir. The background was thesis-able, the lyrics seemed promising. Alas, after much buffering and streaming (and buffering and buffering and streaming and buffering – bedrock probably has a faster connection than I do) the music just didn't do it for me. A big anti-climax. A bigger realisation. WIRED magazine has the ability to make anything seem cool.

< shake it baby >

Zen and the art of cheap tricks

2006-10-04T12:42:00.000-07:00

BOO!

Yes, I love cheap tricks. The ones where people magically pull out a coin from their left ear, accurately guess a secret number (I know this one, ask me to perform someday!), freakily flip their tongue round and round in their mouth, do fancy pyro-stunts with matchsticks and lighters, rotate each eyeball independantly...basically people who provide hours of endless enjoyment when there is nothing on TV.

...and if you've missed the point of this modest post
explore the empty space above *wink,wink*

EXCUSE ME!

2006-10-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

A sneeze (a good hearty one) is probably the most satisfying experience a person can have. But not everyone is blessed with a good hearty sneeze. Come to think of it, there are so many kinds of sneezes and sneezers. Almost like distinct personality types.

A ROUGH LIST:
The Rumbling sneeze – Generally a loud "Harrrrrrsh". Gives people ample warning, enabling them to dodge the germs flung at them.
The Internal Exploders – Along the lines of "Ptchui" or "Booff'. The entire experience contained somewhere between the lungs and the nasal cavity. So much so that sometimes no air is expelled.
The Stiff-Upper-lippers – "A-tishoo" followed by a lace hanky with the sneezers name embroidered along the edge. (I've never really met this type, but I'm sure they exist)
The Out-of-Control sneeze – There is no customary sound for this category. It is based more on the body language, often confused with an ancient tribal dance, which precedes the sneeze. In most cases, the world is not enough.
The Bombshell – This is the most entertaining one. Usually takes everyone, including the sneezer, by surprise. Often ends in a mild mishap. Makes life exciting.
The Jet Spray – Sort of self-explanatory. Largely wet.
The Hoax – This is the evil one. It tickles, wheedles and confuses. Makes you look and feel like a fool, but never gives you the ultimate satisfaction of actually being one when you want it the most.

(These are off the top of my head. I'm sure there are more, so feel free to add to the list. It may be a subject worth documenting.)

I even think people have the ability to sneeze in their native languages. I know for a fact that I can sneeze in Hindi, if I so choose.

Sneezing is also referred to as 'sternutation'. Why and how i know this beats me.

Apparently, you cannot sneeze with your eyes open. Those of you who are like me will actually try this the next time round, if you haven't already. It's a bit like when someone in a small gathering says "Most human beings cannot lick their own elbow". Inevitably, the disbelievers will try their best to prove the speaker wrong. The remaining will proceed to try it out once they reach home. It's human nature. I mean, you can never take someone else's word about a thing like this. Imagine living your whole life thinking you can't lick your elbow, when actually you can! A great loss.

Now, since I am part human, I tried my hand at sneezing with my eyes open. And guess what...It is possible. Although, it is understandable why we would naturally want to close our eyes. For one, there is nothing much to see. Secondly, it is incredibly difficult when practically all the muscles in the body are gearing up for the grand expulsion. My eyeballs felt like they would pop. Thankfully they didn't. Never will I risk my eyeballs again. Thirdly, it can't be a pretty sight for an on-looker.

To sum up my experience: I felt like a mule (something I have never felt like before).

In my defense, I refuse to be a cynic without being thoroughly convinced of the matter-at-hand. Look at it this way: I had a good hearty sneeze, felt like something I had never felt like before, and was blessed in return. All in all, it was worth the effort, I think.

DOUGLAS & I

2006-09-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am a big Douglas Adams fan. This post is dedicated to him for he has, single-handedly (along with Lloyd), moulded my brain into shapes I didn't even know existed.

Actually, I have quite a history when it comes to moulding and shapes. It is said (by my grandmother) that I was born with a funny shaped head. And when I was only a few months old, she, single-handedly, moulded my head into a shape that...well...the average person could relate to without cringing. When I grew up a little I moulded plasticine into snakes, jalebis (for the benefit of some: a coiled Indian sweet), eggs and complex animals like cats. Further still, I remember growing mould on a piece of bread for a science experiment in school. I always took my homework seriously.

Anyway, so I'll come back to Adams and how he did what he did. Although I relished every aspect of The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and the Dirk Gently series, it was this book called The Meaning of Liff that changed my life. Interestingly, it stated on the cover (in a modest fashion) that it so would. Also, it was born in the same year as me.

The meaning of Liff, written by Douglas Adams and John Lloyd, is quite simply a "dictionary of things that there aren't any words for yet". The path-breaking aspect is the way in which it defines events that happen on the most average of days, complex social situations which occur every alternate day and objects you come across on a day-to-day basis...all through a single, easy-to-use word or phrase. For example:

DES MOINES (pl.n.)
The two little lines which come down from your nose.
or
FRING (n.)
The noise made by light bulb which has just shone its last.
or
OSHKOSH (n., vb.)
The noise made by someone who has just been grossly flattered and is trying to make light of it.
or
PAPPLE (vb.)
To do what babies do to soup with their spoons.
or
BODMIN
The irrational and inevitable discrepancy between the amount pooled and the amount needed when a large group of people try to pay a bill together after a meal.
or
SHOEBURYNESS (abs.n.)
The vague uncomfortable feeling you get when sitting on a seat which is still warm from somebody else's bottom.

I wonder why this wasn't taught to me in school. These words are altogether more useful in everyday conversation, than say, the word 'Pneumonia' (and to think I killed myself over it). Read more from this dictionary here or better still buy the book. It will change your life.

So long Douglas, and thanks for all the fish...

How Now Brown Cow? How?

2006-09-26T07:05:00.000-07:00

It happens to me so many times. Often when I'm sitting doing nothing and my mind's drawing a blank (only the supremely creative can do this, mind you. It's truly the toughest to draw a non-drawing, and it's a gift to draw it well), that's when these evil words pop into the frame. The funny part is, in almost all cases there is never a cow...or mention of one...or anything remotely related (not even everyday milk products). The not-so-funny part is, the four words start doing a jig in my head...complete with sound...and then I'm doomed. It's like the devil's in my brain. And I can't get it out.

Another funny thing is the way I must look at this point to a passer-by. Talking intently to my imaginary cow (not really limiting my curiosity about "how?" and "why now?" to the confines of my head). The not-so-funny part here is the point at which their chuckling turns to an expression of horror...and they throw their vegetables...and run away in a zig-zag pattern.

On second thought, it is funny.

Anyway, so that happened just now. Not the freaky vegetable people. The devil bit. And I decided to give the dark confines of my mind a rest and google it instead. There I learned that "How now brown cow" is a phrase used in elocution teaching to demonstrate rounded vowel sounds, especially to small children.
That just killed it for me.
THAT was the answer to my phenomenal question. I would've preferred "42" if an unglamorous answer is what I was looking for. But then thats the answer to The Ultimate Question Of Life, the Universe and Everything. So I kept looking...and fortunately a few hits down came across Paul Davidson's tryst with his imaginary cow

Thankfully, the devil lives on. A bit more twisted than before.
moo-ahaha...

Fun on the Run

2006-09-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

Now here's something from one of my web surfing moments-of-delight:
"If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that."—Unknown source

The first thing I got reminded of was one of those life-skills/basic survival tactics that is passed on by word of mouth (sadly, I cannot recollect whose mouth it was, but I remember having heard it on several occasions)."If you’re being chased by a mad elephant, run in a zig-zag pattern."—Another unknown source

Loopy as it seems, the logic here (apparently) is very sound. An elephant, in spite of its magnitude can run you out of town, especially if it's mad...or motivated...or both, sometimes at a speed of 50mph! The only thing that can slow it down considerably, is it's own inertia. Also beneficial is the fact that elephants, who have an incredible memory, are usually not too hot with strategic games like chess...or Scotland Yard for that matter. So, you could run endlessly in the most predictable zig-zag formation and it will NOT intercept you through the shortest route. It will follow the exact path you take and attempt to turn the very same corners you do, even in an open field.

So the next time you are faced with such a crisis:
*Don't panic for too long and freeze in horror (That's the end my friend)
*Don't freak out, scream your head off and run straight (unless you can beat the speed of 50mph)
*Be calm and collected, and run in a zig-zag pattern.
*Occasionally, wave into camera.

Disclaimer: Don't try this at home and then blame me for it. I'm just giving you a head's up and i cannot possibly vouch for all the elephants in the world.

MEET THE PARENTHesiS

2006-09-20T15:48:00.000-07:00

A parenthesis is an explanatory or qualifying word, clause, or sentence inserted into a passage with which it does not necessarily have any grammatical connection. It is usually marked off by brackets, dashes, or commas.
e.g: Adam, a professional rain dancer, did not believe in the President.

Metaphorically speaking, 'parenthetics' would combine parenthesis with a lot of general jumping around. It therefore stands for creative ramblings, random meanderings, descriptions remotely connected but tangential to the topic at hand. It would also denote the way I like to write (a lot of nothing in brackets). If you are one for concise don't-waste-my-time 5 point strategies, you have probably already exhausted your patience.